Oh Sweet Madness
by JubJubBird
Summary: Hermione is have horrid luck. She's at her boiling point. This is one brassed off girl looking for a fight! She can think of one Slytherin who would be an excellent target. What happens went her luck gets dangerous? Humor...horror and romance HGDM
1. It Begins

"This can't be happening to me, not to ME. This is terrible, no this is this is.."  
  
I was cut short by Ron's "For the love of beans it's not the end of the world Herm, it's just a 'A'. Harry and I get 'em all the time on OWLs".  
  
I let out a curt little sigh and set my face into a very definite pout. "I know your just trying to help but its really not working Ron," I said still scowling. I was upset at the 'A' yes, it was a blemish on my record but I knew it wouldn't kill me. I had had a rotten morning that started with a splitting headache. Was it really too much to ask for one of my boys to be a little sympathetic to my needs now and then. Oh yeah, My boys. They're still my best friends of course, but with all that's been going on lately we've drifted apart a bit.  
  
"No, I was trying to help, the first five minutes," snapped Ron, "Now I'm just trying to get you to shut it about the sodding 'A'. Don't you get it Hermione? I'd just about kill for a 'A' in potions and you've been whining about it since we got on the train. By the way, where do you suppose Harry's been all this time?"  
  
Oh no he didn't. With a scowl I gathered my things and responded, "Well then, I'm so sorry to have bothered you, but I actually care about my academic success. So I think I'll go study somewhere.away. while you wait for Harry to finish snogging with Cho. Oh, and by the way. I don't whine you bloody pillock!"  
  
Without even looking away from the Quidditch slick he was reading Ron started, "Give it a rest Hermione, it's the first day of summer vaca-" Slam! The compartment door shut with a very bewildered red head behind it.  
  
That gormless idiot, he had absolutely no clue. Nil. I was completely enamored of him from his crazy red hair to his grotty toes. Why can he treat me like a girl for once? I know he was jealous of Krum and I last year during the Yule Ball but his attentions are always elsewhere nowadays as if he's avoiding me. It's infuriating. I hate boys. They suck. I loathe them! They are all complete idiots and Ronald Weasley is their king!  
  
I ran fuming from the object of my frustration down an unusually empty I was too lost in thought to notice someone exiting a compartment in front of me. Bam! We both went arse over tit to the ground, my books and papers flying everywhere of course.  
  
As I lay dizzy sprawled out on the floor I heard a groan and a familiar voice cursing at me "Bloody clumsy assassin!" If Ron was king of idiots then I had fell upon the Emperor of arses himself! The world came into focus and the hilarity of my bad fortune struck me so funny I could not help laughing.  
  
"What are you laughing at?" spat the foul mooded Malfoy as he stood up.  
  
I sat up and looked up at him with an extremely large grin on my face and replied, "Besides your hair being all prickled up like a porcupine? Let's see, you're a pathetic, dogmatic son of a bitch without wit or grit but full o' shit and one helluva git".  
  
After looking completely stunned for a few seconds He quickly shook it off and set his face the familiar arrogant sneer. "So where are scar-face and carrot top?  
  
Still sprawled out in my mess of papers I replied, "Being pillocks, just toying around really, neither of them could ever compare to the master of bastard that is you Malfoy".  
  
At that he quirked an eyebrow, "Oh my, the dream team is breaking up, damn, and I wanted tickets. What Happened? Pot-head decide to go solo so he could get all the credit leaving little Ms. Ganger all alone".  
  
With an exaggerated sigh I said, "Alas, in the words of the immortal Giles, 'Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.' I give you exhibit A". As motion toward him the one hand supporting my weight slipped and I feel back flat.  
  
His laughter was instant, he had to lean against the door frame for support. Between hiccups he managed to get out, "Stupid mudblood Granger".  
  
Well, that did it. I had finally reached my boiling point. I pulled my wand out, aimed, and pronounced my spell, "Sterno et Confuto!" In an instant he was pushed back into his compartment and pressed by and unseen force to the floor. I calmly stood up, gathered my fallen books and papers, entered the compartment and closed the door. 


	2. Behind Closed Doors

Keep the reviews coming people;) And Fluff, there will be very little H/R this is going to be more a H/D fic. 

This fiction is going to get a bit dark later so that's why I rated it R in case you were wondering. I'll tell you one thing though, there won't be any rape. Oh yes violence and (a long way down the road) sex and maybe both at the same time, but no rape. 

BTW: I own nothing of the Harry Potter world. J.K. Rowling I bow to thee. 

2. Behind Closed Doors

_Aliquando et insanire iucundum est  
   _"It is sometimes pleasant even to act like a madman" 

~Lucius Seneca (I didn't know his first name until recently heheh)

When I turned around Malfoy's eyes were shooting Daggers at me, as he couldn't yell because the force of the spell had knocked the wind out of him. He floundered around like a tortoise stuck on he's back. Now it was my turn to laugh ergo a bit nervously because I had no clue what to do now. Until I saw him start to reach for something in his robes and I yelled "Expelliarmus!" Malfoy's wand flew across the room. 

            "Crazy mudblood bitch", Malfoy hissed.

            That word still boils my blood. I walked over to him, peered down at him coldly and said, "Better mudblood than inbreed you big bell-head". 

            Malfoy's eyes widened with rage, "How dare you, you little…"

            "Oh I dare Malfoy, I dare quite a bit from this position", I said with an evil smirk as I raised my foot to stomp on his manhood.

"Nooooooooooooo! Please nooooooooo!!!!!!" he yelled and then broke into a coughing fit.

            A split-second before my foot would have left Malfoy a wonderful castrato I stopped. With a satisfied grin I said, "There now, you see, you can be polite to a muggle born". I walked over, picked up his wand and sat down by my pile of books. "I think this is the only empty compartment in this car and therefore the I'll take the spell off when the ride is over, until then keep your mouth shut while I read. Try ANYTHING and I'll snap this lovely wand of yours". 

 I ignored his glare and examined his wand carefully, it really was lovely, banned black with a hint of dark green. It was unusually heavy, absolutely rigid, and a bit longer than my own wand. I placed it beside me on the seat and picked out my worn copy of 'One Thousand and One Arabian Nights' from my mountain of books. 

I had just gotten into the 'The Story of the Second of Three Ladies of Baghdad' when Malfoy opened his trap again, "Granger if you don't let me out of here I will make life very unpleasant for you later on".

I hung my head completely limp with a sigh then looked down at his hateful face, "Oh yeah, _that _would be a change in your general manner where I'm concerned. Tell me, do you _want _me to hex you repeatedly, because I've really been fighting my inner sadist today and it would be nice to cut lose. I bet I could be quite creative, one advantage of being a book worm…or perhaps I could go get Ron and Harry down here for a go at you".

His tone changed from threatening to just narked, "I'm serious. I really don't want people to talk about us…together… in a compartment… alone. If you know what I mean", he said lowly then gave a little yelp as red energy crossed from the tip of my wand to his chest.

I smiled evilly at his discomfort and said, "So am I Malfoy *zap!* and don't worry", *zap!* you being here is bad enough. I don't want to have to deal with ridiculous questions and rumors. I'll throw you out a bit before I leave".

ZAP!

"AHH! Granger, cut it out and why not let me out now?" he said getting red in the face.

"Because you'll go for reinforcements and I don't want to deal with you scum right now. I just want to sit in peace for a while. Here, I'll turn on some music and we can both pretend the other doesn't exist" I said and had to force myself to stop shocking him; it was just so very amusing to see him squirm.

I pulled from my ropes a small change purse and took from it two marble sized items and placed them onto the floor. I point my wand at each saying "amplius apparatus" for both and presto! My CD player and collections of CDs lay before me. I smile inwardly thinking how funny it would be to draw them out whole like Mary Poppins.

I picked up my collection of CDs and glanced over at Malfoy to say, "I don't suppose you would have lowered yourself to listen to any currant Muggle music before?"

He smirked and replied, "You suppose right for once".

"Okay, just pretend you don't exist", I said.

I started flipping through my CDs. Just then the gray skies let a gentle rainfall over the land and a lovely melancholy embraced my heart. I popped in my 'morning mix'. I stared out the window watching the world fly by to Dido's 'Thank You'. I was completely lost in thought when I felt the train begin to slow down. It was a thousand times smoother that a muggle train, but the familiar straining of the train and subtle inertia was still there. Amazingly enough Malfoy kept quiet, probably plotting my early demise. 

I tucked Malfoy's wand into my... oh crap. I had forgotten to change out of my robes. With a sigh I gathered my things and started toward the door.

Malfoy suddenly shouted, "Granger! Get your arse over here and release me!"

With out even turning around I said, "Calm down. Look, I'm going to roll your wand down the hall and then I'll let you out. I'll lock the door and stay in here for a bit, okay?"

"Fine, just be gentle with my wand…or else", he said with a defiant look.

I responded with a cocky, "Heh".

I opened to door and looked about; there were 2 Hufflepuff girls at the other end of the train gossiping happily. I smiled to myself knowing that my plan would work and tossed the wand down the hall. I spun around and walked behind Malfoy.

I pointed my wand down at him and said, "libero". He hopped up, stretched, and without a word he walked out the door. I closed and locked the door and took off my robes. I removed and enlarged a mirror from my change purse. I straightened the neckline of my black tank top and put on my comfy light pink jacket. I smoothed my black suede skirt down to its normal mid-calf length, enjoying the feel of the suede as I did so. I did a turn in front of the mirror in my keds to make sure I was presentable and then threw everything back in the change purse except for my copy of 'One Thousand and One Arabian Nights'. I opened at where I left off and began to read until the train came to a complete stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            "But I don't want to go among mad people." Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

            ~Lewis Carroll

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please read and review!


	3. Walking and Talking

My Notes: Well, I'm thinking of changing the Humor/Horror category of this because there will be quite a bit of angst. There will also be shipping of a Hermione/Draco kind. Heh heh heh. This is going to be so evil it makes me giddy. As you might have noticed from my Giles quote in Chapter 1 I'm a BtVS fan. But I'm not going to turn Draco into a Spike. If I start to write anyone _way_ out of character, yell at me; unless I progressed the character to that point. 

QUESTION! Should I only use Hermione's point of view? 

.

3. Walking and Talking

How sad and bad and mad it was!  
But then, how it was sweet! 

~Robert Browning

            When I step out of the compartment the passage was bustling with young witches and wizards eager to begin the summer holiday. I smile to myself as I thread through the crowd. Soon I'd be hugging mum and dad and driving in a muggle car to my muggle home. I live a strange double life that few of Hogworts students understand. Not even Harry. For him summer is a prison. For me it is as easy and pleasant as slipping on a pair of fine gloves, I adjust seamlessly. But sometimes when I'm living one life, I'm afraid the other isn't waiting for me anymore, as if it were only a frail dream.

            Suddenly I spy Harry and Ron lugging something or other out of our compartment and the anger I felt before seems to slip away. It was just so warming and nostalgic to see them both like that. They were my boys after all. With a laughing tone I call to them, "Hiya, Harry, Ron, leaving with out me?" They see me, smile back, and beckon for me to join them. 

            "Where have you been Herm?" Harry asked while putting his arm around me and squeezing me into a sideways hug. Good old Harry.

            "I could ask you the same question, but I have a fair idea. Well an idea of _whom_ you were with anyways", I returned with a knowing grin, which made him blush ever so slightly confirming my hunch. 

            "Yeah, well that's a completely different topic", he said smiling madly. Oh yeah. My Harry's in love.

            "I'm so glad things are working out for you two", I said lowly to Harry.

            "Yeah, well anyways where were you", Harry repeated with a quick glace at unusually silent Ron: a very uncomfortable Ron. He's so cute when he's confused. I can't help but to smile at him reassuringly.

            "You know me, I was off somewhere with my nose in a book again", I said with a grin. Deciding not to get into my little zap-a-ferret story. 

            "Good old Hermione", Harry laughed.

            "So, we're all meeting at the burrow in a month then? Harry are you sure your Aunt and Uncle wouldn't let us…" I began to ask.

            "For the hundredth time, I'll ask but I can't make any promises. You know how they are," Harry cut me off.

            "Well, it's just that we want you safe with everything going on, don't we Ron", I replied, with a quick look to Ron.

            "Err, yeah exactly", Ron chimed in.

            I suddenly remembered  "Oh, I'd like you two to come over to my house sometime this summer, I've got some interest…*ZAP!! *…AHHHH!" For the second time today I find myself falling arse over tit onto the train floor. Only this time as I lay in a disheveled heap I hear a roar of laughter explode around me. Sod's Law.

            "_Love_ the hair Granger, but it seems you have a problem with walking and talking at the same time", Malfoy taunted. It was then I realized my normally bushy hair was now an electric green fro extending 1 meter in each direction.

            FanBloodlytastic. Malfoy just _has_ to be a complete git about that little holding him against his will thing. I grabbed my wand and thrust it to the sky. "That's it Malfoy, the Gauntlet hath been thrown!" I shouted.  I sprung up into a fencing stance and cried out "I challenge thee to a duel you bloody coward!"

.:*

Though this be madness,

yet there is method in 't. 

~Shakespeare


	4. Dueling

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit

    There has not been any great talent without an element of madness 

                               ~L. Senecea

4. Dueling

            A swift stillness befell the train. All laughter died. I could feel the faces turn toward me in bewilderment, mouths agape and brows furrow. Harry and Ron, who had speedily withdrawn their wands and were no doubt charging to my rescue paused in confusion. However my eyes were focused on a certain platinum blonde whose sneer had falter at my unexpected challenge.

            "What's the matter Malfoy, afraid of getting your arse whipped mercilessly by a know it all muggle born?" I asked.

            "Not at all Granger", he replied coolly, falling into a fencing position and his usual sneer. There was an awkward moment when neither of us moved. Finally I broke the ice by sending a basic boils hex his way to have it countered. He then tried a curse to make me grow a beard. I countered with ease.

            "Not bad, for a Mudblood", he jeered. 

            I dodged and repelled curse after curse. From the sounds of the audience a few must have found other victims, but I could not afford to look away from my rival. He was better than I expected, but I could defend myself well, thanks to DA meetings and my own private studies. "You've still got quite the dirty mouth don't you Malfoy? Let's see what I can do about that." I said with an evil grin. I let my curse fly and it struck true. 

            He made a face as if he had a bad taste in his mouth. He began to speak, "What the..." and bubbles escaped his mouth with each word. Laughter erupted again and the Gryfindors cheered. Ron called out "Good one Herm!"

            Angered that I had stuck the first blow, Malfoy charged. I was slightly unprepared for the violence of his onslaught and found myself covered with a light coat of brown fur, reminding way to much of how a certain spell had gone awry in 2nd year. I began matching him blow for blow and eventually forced my spells passed his guard, Malfoy was now covered in light green scales and had grown a second head, however it was 1/4 the size of the original but no less irritating. Fortunately it was concentrating on annoying the original Malfoy as much as possible with jeers and obscenities. 

            I become aware of a hissing and tickling in my ear, and out of the corner of my eye I spy a cold reptilian head bobbing beside my cheek. I let out a small shriek of surprise, which wins me some nasty snickers from the Slytherins. More importantly I had dropped my wand in that instant... and Malfoy was raising his wand again. 

What was to happen next may only be described as chaos in its purest, unadulterated form. First with a smug grin Draco began to shout a curse at me while I was defenseless, then this year's head girl somehow threaded herself through the crowd, took one look at the two of us and began waving her arms about her head madly, screaming bloody murder at both of us. Thirdly, Ron stepped in as my unspoken second by brandishing his wand menacingly and yelling "expellimentus". Malfoy was interrupted before his curse was completed and hurled with great force into the crowd. 

The three shouts had blurred together in unison, masking a 4th voice. A desperate, unthinking, instinctive whisper had escaped my lips. Oh Merlin what did I do! Amidst the prevailing confusion I snatched my wand from the floor. Harry and Ron were by my side in an instant. As the rest of the students were trying to get a better look at Malfoy, we tried to sneak out of the train. No such luck.

"Hold it you three!" called the Head Girl and she tripped over students to get to us.

We turned around. I felt a great heave of shame well up inside of me like a sudden wave of nausea. Why was I so stupid? Whatever curse Malfoy had up his sleeve would have been preferable. I'm going to be expelled and my wand will be snapped. 

"What in blazes did you do to him?" the girl looked expectantly toward Ron.

"I…er…it was just a basic disarming spell", stammered Ron.

Thank Nicademus! She didn't see. Come to think of it everyone was looking at Ron, not me.

"Everyone else please move along, you three come with me", she said with the sort of sharp, commanding tone that wasn't often disobeyed. She walked over to where Malfoy lay covered by a cloak. When she revealed him I tried to act as surprised as Ron and Harry, but I knew what we where going to see.

There on the floor lay the unconscious form of Malfoy. Double headed and scaly though he was there was more to it. His skin seemed to glow with faint pearly swirling clouds just on the surface and his body hovered 3 inches off the ground. More shocking though, his eyes were wide open but they were a completely black. No. They were more like two tiny voids that seemed to suck up all light for they where absolutely shineless. The overall effect was very unnerving. 

                                                ~*~

In the morning glad I see

 My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree.

               (From a poison tree by W.B. Yeats)


End file.
